Five things not to say to a mother of a large family

I don't think it's possible for me to walk down the street with all five children without someone making a comment.  This is my little gift for mothers of large families who are on the receiving end of such thoughtless comments (and a little bit of fun because it's Saturday night and I'm home alone - sob!).

#1 You've got your hands full



Please don't say this to any mother.  Ever.  I have a rude retort that stays in my head when I hear this comment.  That's because I have a filter between my brain and my mouth.  You do not need to state the obvious.  I think that I'm allowed to laugh at you if I'm wearing the baby and therefore do not have anything in my hands at all.  But, more than anything else, this comment generally undermines my confidence as a mother.  If my children are playing up, I'm pretty busy dealing with them and do not need to divert my attention to you.  If they are behaving well then I'm wondering why you made the comment.  It's just one of those ridiculous things that people say because they have an overwhelming urge to express surprise at the size of our family.  The best advice I can give you here if you ever want to say this is - keep it in your head.  It is not helpful.  If you really must say something then you can always go for a cheesy 'what a lovely brood' or something else that acknowledges the size of the family without calling my parenting skills in to question.

#2 Are they all yours?



First of all, do you realise how rude it is to ask a stranger that question when you have no idea what the answer is going to be? What if I tell you that half of them are my late brother's children who I have taken in? OK, so he doesn't have any children and he's thankfully not dead, but you don't know what a strangers circumstances might be! For all you know, I could be infertile but looking after a friend's children.  That question could be really painful to have to answer.  Again, it's probably better that you keep that question in your head.  It really isn't any of your business and doesn't affect you.  And, yes, our family is larger than the 'normal' two children and that may be surprising for you, but it's still pretty rude to comment like that!

#3 I don't know how you do it



For the record this picture is definitely not 'how I do it'.  This one is a bit of pet hate of mine.  Just because I have five children, doesn't make me some sort of uber parent.  I really don't like people looking up to me because of the size of our family.  I also don't like the implied comparison that always goes along with this comment.  The chances are that some things in my parenting are not up to the same standard that they were when we only had two children.  There are only so many hours in the day (please don't think that I feel guilty though because the children have the benefits of being in a large family as well as the negatives).  I guess the other reason that I don't like this comment is because I never know how to respond.  I don't entirely know how I do it either but if you really want to know how I have to keep a regimented diary and corresponding calendar or how I use the slow cooker to cope with all the after school clubs then it is probably better to ask for specifics.

#4 Have you worked out what's causing it?



You really want to go there? Let me point out to you that you are basically asking about our sex life and/or our contraceptive choices.  I think the fact that we have five children proves that we have worked out exactly what is causing it, thank you very much.

#5 Are you having any more?



OK, so there's a few more than five children there.  Let's think this one through for a moment.  I wouldn't ask any of my mummy friends this question unless a) they are my best friend or b) we are having a conversation about having more children.  I certainly wouldn't ask a random person in the street.  Also, as a mother of five children, I like having a large family and I have a very strong hormonal urge every single month to have more babies.  That is just how I am.  At some point we all have to stop having more children.  For some people that is a relief, for others there is a grieving process to go through as a stage of life ends.  So, this question is not only rude it is insensitive too.  Plus we're back at the point that you are basically asking if we are using reliable contraception or not and asking that is just plain wrong.

What do I say?

Saying nothing is always an option.  Or how about saying something positive or encouraging? Even an encouraging smile can go a long way.  As a general rule of thumb, don't say something to a mother of a large family that would be rude to say to a mother of one or two children.  It is still rude to say it to someone who has lots of children. If all else fails and you have an overwhelming urge to state the obvious, you can always be very British and comment on the weather instead.

I'm sure I never asked for that

I had a nice surprise the other day.  It wasn't a great parking space.  It wasn't a chocolate cake.  I'm not pregnant again (at least one of you was thinking that...)

I was due to have a tutorial next week but The Curate is going to be away and that presents all sorts of practical problems, not to mention that I will be even more tired than I am normally.  On top of that I was a bit stressed about writing my presentation for it when I've only just stopped chasing my tail after submitting my last essay.  This week my tutor announced that he was unable to attend so we rearranged it for the following week.  The pressure is off in so many ways.  I can't even begin to tell you how relieved I am.

My first instinct was to pray "thank you Lord for answering my prayers" but then I realised that I hadn't prayed about it.  Even though I was feeling really stressed I had forgotten to pray about it.  Or had I?

Pete Greig (the founder of 24-7 Prayer) has this theory that everyone prays.  You know when you are desperate and in your head you start saying "oh please, please don't let x, y, and z happen", well that is a prayer that you are just flinging out there, even if you aren't directing it at God.

‘Even non-Christians pray. The difference when Christians do it is that they are climbing into the lap of their heavenly Father.” Pete Greig, Red Moon Rising

I started to wonder if I had prayed about my tutorial.  I certainly had wished that I could have the tutorial the following week.  And as a Christian I do direct my wishes towards God because I believe that He is the only one with power to answer my prayers.

On this occasion I had a 'yes' from God.  I probably would have been a lot less stressed about the whole situation if I had purposefully sat down and prayed about it.  At least then I would have known that I had given the whole thing to God and acknowledged that He was in control anyway.  I always feel more peaceful about situations that feel overwhelming when I have prayed about them.  Well, hindsight is a wonderful thing.  But, I was still left wondering 'what constitutes prayer'?



We used to sing this song at toddler church that went "prayer is like a telephone for us to talk to Jesus" (for the record, it is an incredibly annoying song and I have no plans to introduce it to toddler group any time soon).  But prayer is more than just a conversation with God, it's an act of faith.  When we pray, we are trusting that God is listening and will respond.  I know that lots of my atheist friends believe that answered prayer is just a coincidence and doesn't involve God.  J. John has a great way of looking at that issue.  Watch this funny clip to find out what cute little kittens have to do with prayer and coincidences.

I don't know about you, but I'm happy to have the coincidences in my life.  The more I pray, the more coincidences there are.

Back to my question 'what constitutes prayer'? Well, there is obviously the closed eyes, hands clasped, talking directly to God type of prayer.  On this occasion, I hadn't done that.  But there is also contemplative prayer and meditative prayer, for example.  Well, I definitely have been engaging in meditative prayer.  I'm not especially loving my meditation sessions because I'm not pouring everything out to God or even saying thank you to Him.  But maybe my choice to use 'Jesus' as an 'anchor word' is enough.  Just acknowledging that Jesus is in control is all that I need to do.  Even if I'm not speaking out the issues that are on my heart, that doesn't mean God doesn't know about them.

I'm not sure that I have fully worked out what counts as praying yet.  And if I'm honest, I'm not a fan of being told 'no' (AKA "I have something better in mind") because I don't understand God's plan.  What I do know is that God is listening, He does care and He does answer prayers because He loves us.

I'm a mummy on the edge

Today was going really well.  The Three Big Kids were at school and The Toddler was at preschool.  The Curate had a day off so we took The Baby for a walk from White Moss around Grasmere.  I was pretty pleased that I had managed to walk somewhere in the region of 4-5 miles with 8+kg of baby on my back.  The scenery was beautiful and there's nothing like a good dose of fresh air (plus it wasn't raining - always a bonus around here).  After lunch at the garden centre, it was time to head home for the afternoon pick ups.

So far, so good.  One child compared to five is a walk in the park.  All was well until it turned out that today was the day to come home from school and preschool feeling grumpy.  I fed them.  They were still grumpy.  I listened to them.  They were still grumpy.  Cuddles? No good.  Then The Curate took the two biggest girls to their violin lessons.  I thought that things would improve.  I was wrong.  The Baby started joining in with the grumpiness having been happy all day.  We had now officially entered Suicide Hour and, well, as the name suggests things weren't about to get any better.  The following definition of Suicide Hour is taken from this blog:

Suicide hour: That hour as you’re busy cooking dinner, the children are hungry and tired and no one seems able to do anything on their own without help.

It normally involves frequent whining, a couple of tantrums and an urge to throw yourself off a bridge. Or time out everybody while you finish cooking. Or time out yourself and let everyone else fend for themselves.

Also known as Arsenic Hour, The Witching Hour and Please Everyone, Just Go Away and Let Me Cook Dinner Alone Hour.

Disastrously things didn't even improve with small tummies being filled with macaroni cheese.  Desperate times call for desperate measures and The Curate had ignored my SOS text for Valium and/or horse tranquilisers.  So, at The Biggest Girl's suggestion, I found The Epic Horn Guy on YouTube and played it until The Baby laughed.  I may also have watched some Veggietales Silly Songs with some small people (specifically this one and this one),

If you are hoping for something vaguely holy or inspiring today then I'm sorry.  My brain may be capable of turning out first class theological essays but today it has been turned to mush by all of the whining.



And that about sums up my day.

Plan B

Sometimes life doesn't go as we plan.  We don't learn resilience when plan A works out.  In fact, I'm not sure that we learn much when plan A works out, except maybe how to plan something and follow through on that plan. But, let's face it, there's more to life than following through on a plan.



A few months ago, I was talking to a very wise Rev who said that the only worthwhile lessons he'd learned in life were from the hard lessons.  In other words, we don't learn much about life or ourselves when life is easy.  But when life is hard, we grow and learn skills for the future.  We become more resilient or learn new tactics for dealing with difficult situations.  When plan A doesn't work out and we have to resort to plan B (or even plan C, D or E), life becomes harder, sometimes unbearably hard.

When people are having a hard time, Christians are often quick to trot out the phrase "God never gives you more than you can handle".  Sometimes you might even hear Christians follow that comment up with something like "you are going through such a hard time at the moment but God knows just how strong you are and that you can cope with it".  Right? Total and utter nonsense!



The ridiculous notion that God will not let us go through something that will absolutely break us comes from a misunderstanding of 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it" (NIV).  The phrase "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear" is not the same as "He will not give you more than you can handle".  The verse is referring to how we deal with temptation.  When we are faced with more than we can handle, it is not always because we gave in to temptation.  But, when we are faced with more than we can handle, we have a choice - we can follow God or we can give in to temptation to follow a different path.  I can see why people want to make the leap from "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear" to "He will not give you more than you can handle" but that just paints a false image of God.

So, what do we know about God and His part in our life when it is all falling apart around us? I've said it before, and I'll say it again - God is inherently good.  I know it's tempting to think of God as bad when we see the suffering all around us.  That is another blog (or ten) for another day.  The Bible also tells us that God will never leave nor forsake (abandon) us:



So, the Bible promises that God is with us whenever we are handling the hard stuff.  Sometimes I think "that's great God, now do something!".  If God is all-powerful, good and loves me then why do I have to go through any of the hard stuff? Again, that is a blog for another day.  What I will say, is that sometimes I need to grow, learn a new skill, or change in some way and if God jetted in and solved all my issues in some supernatural way then I will always be in a place in life that feels overwhelming.

One last warning about another misrepresented Bible verse that we hear when we are struggling... Ever heard "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"? It is a quote from the Bible (Philippians 4:13), not a misquote like the "God will never give you more than you can handle" thing.  But it really winds me up when I hear Christians misusing and abusing this verse.  The person who wrote it was having a terrible time.  But, he was suffering because of the work he was doing for God and was continuing to seek God's will so that he did not give in to the temptation of an easy way out.  He was not struggling to navigate Tesco with five small children or anything else that makes me want to repeat the Bible verse under my breath.  I'm not saying that God doesn't strengthen us or that he can't make all things possible.  What I am saying, is that God has the big picture and sometimes I can't do something, not because God isn't strong enough or my faith isn't good enough, but because it's not part of God's big plan.  I can't just waltz through life quoting that Bible verse whenever I want God's supernatural strength to get through something hard.

Which brings me to the point of me writing this blog post today.  You could be forgiven for thinking that I must be having a terrible time at the moment or feeling overwhelmed with life.  Life isn't exactly easy but I'm not having a particularly hard time right now.  I do, however, need to start following plan B for Lent.  Things haven't exactly gone to plan so far.  Illness and essay writing have had a hand in derailing my plans.  But, if I'm really honest, I'm giving in to temptation as well.  OK, so taking a peek on FaceBook whenever a post a blog post isn't that bad.  But then leaving the FaceBook page open on my phone and 'accidentally' taking another peek, and then another peek and then maybe another really quick scroll through isn't part of my Lent plans.  There is a reason for me withdrawing from FaceBook for a while and I'm not going to gain anything if I keep having a 'quick peek'.  I've been a bit slack with some of my other Lent plans as well.  I shall be holding on to the last part of 1 Corinthians 10:13 (quoted above) that says "But when you are tempted,he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it".

It is time for plan B.  Plan B is to do what I should have done for Lent.  So I have put FaceBook Pages on my phone and will be able to post a link to new blog posts on there without seeing anything else on FaceBook.  I will also be cutting out some things from my diet.  I am not thrilled about this and may become grumpy.  I apologise now.  My blood sugars are the worst they have been for a long time and I'm not mad-keen on re-starting insulin (although that may be inevitable and nothing to do with my diet).  What does this have to do with Lent? Well, if my body is a 'temple' for God then I have a duty to look after it.  Apparently my pancreas is going through more than it can handle so I should at least do something to try and help it.  I shall also generally be making more of an effort to concentrate on my other Lent plans rather than being so easily distracted.  I'll let you know how it goes...


Funny moment of the day - When I came out with the phrase "Who's for tea or coffee?" earlier to some friends, the toddler didn't miss a beat and replied "not me".  I think this may be one of those funny moments when you had to be there, but on the off-chance that you might be sat there laughing now, I thought it was worth sharing.  I'm nice like that ;-)

Feel the fear...

When I was a child, I was afraid of the dark.  I can remember waking my mum up multiple times one night but not being able to explain what I was afraid of.  Next to my bed was a massive teddy.  It was moving.  OK, so it wasn't really moving but in the shadows, it looked like it was moving.  I was so scared that I couldn't explain to my mum what was wrong.  All I knew was that when she came, the light went on and the bear stopped moving.

My fear of the dark continued but as I got older, I developed this fear that monsters were on the carpet.  They couldn't get me as long as I was on my bed.  My foot could not hang out of the bed otherwise they would get me.  If I needed the loo in the middle of the night, I would run and use the biggest stride length that I could so that my feet touched the floor as few times as possible in case the monsters grabbed me by the ankle.  I never wanted to go back to bed because I would have to do the whole thing in reverse but include a leap on to the bed and tuck myself in as fast as was physically possible.

As an adult, my fear of the dark seems quite ridiculous.  Whilst my adult perspective is great for childhood fears, with adulthood comes adult sized problems and adult sized fears.

We had a guest preacher at church today who told us the story of an elderly lady whom he knew when he was a curate.  She never accepted a lift home after helping out at events.  One day he finally asked her why she didn't accept a lift and asked her if she was scared when walking home.  Her reply was "of course I'm scared, but I would never be able to do anything if I didn't face my fears".  She didn't want to give in to that fear because she knew that life would be so much worse if she stayed at home all the time becoming evermore fearful of the big, bad world.  The preacher's point was that we should not let our fears stop us from doing what we are supposed to do, what we are called to do.

This really made me think.  What am I afraid of? What fears are holding me back?

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light" Plato

I think Plato had a point.  Sometimes I wonder if children are afraid of the dark because they can sense that evil lurks there.  I'm just about to start reading for an essay that has to explore the symbolism of light and dark in John's gospel.  For as long as I can remember, darkness has been a Bad Thing.  But, as Plato said, it is a real tragedy when what we are afraid of is the light.  For me, light is synonymous with Jesus and goodness.  Whilst following Jesus can be comforting, I often find that this happens:



Jesus seems to be very skilled at directing me out of my comfort zone.  But, I wouldn't be showing much faith if all I ever did was stay in my comfort zone.  I have this theory that whenever I'm doing something that God has asked me to do, I know that it's one of those things because I find it equally terrifying and exhilarating.  Maybe that's just me.  I  love theme parks and rock climbing for the same reason.  When I'm at theme parks or rock climbing, I put my trust in the safety equipment.  It's the same principle with following Jesus.  I put my trust in Him.

But I'm not convinced that faith is the opposite of fear.  Love is.  I don't trust my own faith when I'm praying over big decisions.  I trust that God loves me.  I can either be paralyzed by fear or I can choose to trust that God loves me and follow Him.

I'm still pondering what fears I might be holding on to.  If I'm honest, I'm not sure that I want to work it out because then I'll have to face those fears and trust that God REALLY loves me.  I haven't quite worked out yet why I'm a bit fearful of totally trusting an inherently good God.  Maybe it's because I'm a control freak? Maybe that's the fear that I need to let go of?


In other news, I managed to write my essay and hand it in on time.  I have no idea how I managed that one.  I wrote a 2500 word essay in one day.  I'm not expecting to get a good mark but at least I managed to submit it on time despite the horrors of the bug and the ambulance trip.

The meditation experiment is going better than expected.  Having changed my 'anchor word' (apparently this is the Christian meditation name for a mantra) to 'Jesus', I am finding that I enjoy some of the stillness and not-doing.  I still find reading my Bible to be more grounding/comforting/Spiritually connecting but I quite like being able to meditate just to prove that I can shut up when I want to.

You also need to know that I am now deeply worried about my subconscious.  I had a dream.  Let's just say that it involved a cheeky talking dinosaur called Bert.  Bert liked to eat semi rotten food and ran off to find some mushrooms.  I'm not sure why I chased after him to try and look after him given that he was more work than all five kids put together.  He liked to have cuddles and was particularly jealous of the baby.  My brain must have been feeling deeply traumatised to have dreamed that one up.  I think that it was a cry for help.  Or chocolate.  Probably chocolate...

Beige and boring or a risky business?

I have a friend who wasn't sure that she could become a Christian until she met me (ha! God has a sense of humour!).  She wasn't sure that she wanted to become a Christian if it meant that she had to become a bit, well... beige and boring.  Then she met me and my purple boots and decided that if I could be a Christian then so could she.  Alas! The purple boots are no more (although I do still preach in knee high boots).  The thing is, being a Christian is not about being beige and boring.  It's not about being comfortable.  It does involve being daring and taking risks.

This video by Simon Guillebaud explains what it means to follow Jesus better than anything else I've ever come across except, perhaps, the Bible (which Simon draws on throughout the video):

3 Seconds


What is life all about? Is it about safely navigating our way to death?

I don't know about you but that doesn't figure high on my list of life goals.

(By the way, I did achieve one of my life goals on Sunday.  I preached from a pulpit.  I do realise that I now seem far less rock 'n' roll but I don't care.  The only thing that normally gets in the pulpit at our church is the birthday cakes for our All Age services.  I hope that my sermon was worth more than 12 cupcakes...)

In the book "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" there is a discussion about whether Aslan is safe.



I don't know about you, but I find the idea of God not being safe and following Him being a risky business to be a bit too technicolour for comfort.  All of a sudden the idea of being a beige and boring Christian is that bit more appealing.  But God doesn't ask Christians to hide away or to blend in.  He asks us to trust that He is good and to follow Him.  That's when the adventure begins.  That's the point when eternal life begins.  As Simon Guillebaud says, "we're all immortal until He calls us home".


PS if you want to support the awesome work of Simon Guillebaud and Great Lakes Outreach in Burundi then please go here or you can read more about Simon here.

PPS I don't intend to write a blog post for a few days as I need to finish writing an essay and I need a bit of space to process my Lenten journey rather than keep on thinking about what to write!

PPPS I'm still trying to meditate.  I'll update you on how that is going soon.

PPPPS The baby ate some rocky road.  I'm not sure that I need to say any more...

Do you like you?

I came across this beautiful song and I'm not sure that I can write a blog to do it justice (but I'll have a go!).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

The song is called 'Try' by Colbie Caillat.  You can see why it won an MTV award for best video with a social message.

Apparently Colbie Caillat was so fed up of being photoshopped that she wrote this song.  I can't even begin to imagine the immense pressure that she is under to look a certain way in order to gain acceptance.

Throughout the video, the women featured remove their makeup to reveal their natural beauty.  This struck a chord with me.  I rarely wear makeup these days.  I don't have the time to faff about with it so it is only on special occasions that the makeup comes out.  I can remember reading in a magazine years ago that women who wear a modest amount of makeup to a job interview are more likely  to get the job than someone who is wearing no makeup at all or someone who has it plastered on.  I think it's pretty sad not only that this is presumably true, but that a magazine would advise women that they need to wear the right amount of makeup to get a dream job.  There are no words that could express how I feel about that.

And yet when it came to our eldest girl going to her 'junior disco' the other evening, I helped her to apply a little makeup for the first time ever.  The curate was horrified.  I can see his point of view.  She is only 8 (although far more mature both in looks and wisdom) and that is young for makeup.  So, why did I do it? First of all, it was her choice.  Secondly I don't want makeup to become a 'thing'.  If it is forbidden then it will most certainly become a 'thing'.  I also want her to learn that even just a little make up can be fun.  I want her to feel confident enough about her body that she can choose whether she adds some makeup for a special night out, or not.  I also don't want her to label a woman as 'tarty' or anything else derogatory because of the amount of makeup that she wears.  Above all, I want our daughters all to learn that wearing makeup or not is a choice that only they can make for themselves.  We already teach them about having a beautiful heart and try to make sure that they feel loved as they are.

Going back to the song, there is a lyric that says "when you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?".  Wow.  There in that one sentence was a question that we should all be asking ourselves.  Just think about it for a minute.  It's not asking 'do you accept you?' or 'do you want to be you?'  When you are not thinking about how other people see you and look at yourself honestly, do you like you?

I was reminded of a book by a lady called Arianna Walker called Mirror Image.  In the book she tells the story of a 17 year old woman who was suffering with an eating disorder.  Whenever this woman looked in the mirror, she hated what she saw.  Her description of herself was "I look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly girl who is worthless and deserves to die".  Her pain is immense.  Not only does she not like how she looks but she feels worthless and not that she wants to die but actually deserves to die.  Arianna Walker goes on to explain that in that moment she heard God whispering to her through the Holy Spirit "Tell her that she is looking in the wrong mirror".

I wonder how many of us are looking in the wrong mirror? How many of us look in the mirror and don't like the person looking back?

My story isn't so dissimilar to that young woman who saw a 'worthless' reflection.  It wasn't until I was 19 and heard someone tell me all about how Jesus loved me as I was, not as I could be that I started to learn to like myself.  I am a perfectionist by nature and that isn't healthy.  The bar is always set too high no matter what is being measured.  Learning that God loved me and accepted me in my imperfect state meant that I started to like me.  I stopped sabotaging my own life when I learnt what it meant to be loved unconditionally by Jesus.  I was heading down a very different path and I don't like to think how my life would be now if someone hadn't explained God's love to me.  Before that I thought that I couldn't go to God until I was acceptable or holy in some way.  If God only loved 100%  holy people then heaven would be a very lonely place.

Going back to that song... When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you? Because God loves you xxx