Monday 11 July 2016

The life of a curate's wife

It's been a long time since I wrote anything.  Actually I think that I've written in the region of 10,000 words since I last posted a blog, but you know academic essays are a bit... different.

Anyway, it was our wedding anniversary yesterday and I thought about writing a blog about marriage.  After only 12 years of marriage I decided that it would probably be totally arrogant or total rubbish.  But, I do know what it's like to be 'the Curate's wife' and thought that maybe it was time that I shed some light on what it's like being married to the Curate given the title of the blog.

The Curate has been in post for two years now.  I've still not gotten over the fact that when the Rev got his Magic Hands, I wasn't given super powers.  Or a self-cleaning house.  That would have been nice and helpful.  You hear all this talk as a spouse about being called just as much as your Rev.  And then they get ordained, adopt a new title and start wearing strange clothes whilst you get to stay normal (whatever that is), adopt a new label ("the Curate's wife") and start ironing your clothes.  

Yes, the sudden need to iron clothes because of a perceived pressure to look presentable in public did genuinely happen in a blink-and-you-missed-it sort of way.  I'd like to say that I stopped ironing everything in sight because I came to my senses and/or realised that my magnetic personality was enough to detract from the sight of wrinkly clothes.  In reality, I did what I do best and fell pregnant with baby number five.  I was too busy throwing up like it was some sort of extreme sport to be able to stand for long enough to iron anything.  God has a sense of humour.  At least it's better than succumbing to the stereotypical twinset and pearls.

So, apart from the Bishop not blessing me with super-holy powers to support my husband, what is it really like being the Curate's wife? That's a harder question to answer than you would think.  I know that I can only speak from my personal experience and there are many Curate's wives out there who will have very different experiences.  But, even in my own experience, each day varies so much that it's hard to explain what it's like.  

We live in a relatively small and close knit community.  It's the sort of place that still respects their clergy because they are clergy.  That made for a very interesting first few weeks when it felt like the entire community knew who I was but I had no idea who anyone else was.  However, the majority of people didn't seem to know my name, just my affiliation to The Curate - that was irritating and a sure fire way to provoke a total identity crisis in someone who had given up a Proper Job and moved 300 miles away from 'home' to take on such a strange role that is so ill-defined.

There have been plenty of entertaining moments... I could tell you The Bin Story from our very first week living in the Curatage.  Or maybe the story about The Curate dressing up as Super Duck.  Or the stories about the random stuff that just goes missing in the house because The Curate needed it ("where's the dustbin gone?").  Ooooo, or the things that happen when The Proper Vicar goes on leave (frogs in the cellar, bat rescue - we predict a plague of locusts next)

There's also some moments that are harder to know how to deal with.  There are times when it feels like everyone is obsessed with how long it is until you are moving (for the record, they are stuck with us for at least another year) and you can't help but wonder if they want you to stay or are waiting for you to go.  There are also moments when you feel like you can't just, you know, live, without someone commenting on something that you are doing/buying/eating.  It is... interesting when you learn that the contents of your shopping basket has become a source of gossip.  I have learnt to laugh at a lot of things and I have learnt to be less sensitive.  I have come to a point that I generally don't care what people think of me.  I am who I am (well, that phrase was good enough for Jesus).  I like to think that I am a genuine version of me now that we are two years in and more confident, although I'm hopefully a bit more tactful and have a better filter between my brain and my mouth than I had prior to Vicar Factory.

We used to have sessions at Vicar Factory for the spouses when we heard from previous spouses who had been in post for a year.  So many of the spouses said that the hardest thing was hearing other people put their husband down and openly criticising him.  I remember being more worried that everyone would think that the sun shines out of The Curate's backside and I would be the only one who bemoaned his faults.  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha is the only appropriate response to that.  It is incredibly hard knowing how hard (and how late) The Curate works but the feeling that it is never enough.  There is always more to do than is possible and turning off from that is hard.

So, there's the Day Off.  Great when it happens.  Not a fan of pretty much anything suddenly being scheduled for a Friday.  Only having one day off each week when we have five children always makes the Day Off a toss up between doing jobs around the house and escaping for a few hours.  The house is permanently a mess and the laundry piles are huge.  We choose to escape as often as possible.  Not because we dislike being in the Parish but because it is the easiest way to try and turn off from something that we love so that we can recharge our batteries and carry on serving.

And we do love being The Curate and The Curate's Wife.  We love the people, we love the parish, we love the work even if my 'work' contribution is often unofficial or behind-the-scenes.  I don't think it would be possible to be in full-time ministry if you didn't love it because it is so all-consuming.

I think that's as good as my attempts at describing what it's like to be The Curate's Wife are going to get.  Most of the time I'm just me trying to do the best that I can.  I don't know whether I find it comforting or terrifying that I don't think I have changed that much as The Curate's Wife.  Most of the time when I feel like God should have given The Curate a Holy wife who is equipped to deal with all eventualities, I remember that winging it is always an option.




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