OK, I know that some women choose not to talk about it because they believe that it should remain a private topic between husband and wife in honour of the sanctity of marriage. And I'm not so naive as to discount how difficult the topic can be for women who are survivors of sexual abuse and certain words could trigger horrific memories.
But, other than that, why don't Christian women talk about sex?
I can remember being told about sex for the first time as a response to my question 'where do babies come from?' As a parent myself it seems like a fair time to bring the subject up. After all, I'm not expecting our children to start asking deep and meaningful questions about how we celebrate the intimacy of our marriage. But I'm not convinced that I will only be discussing the biology of procreation when I discuss sex with our children. Let's face it, the number of times a couple has sex to make a baby is a relatively small proportion of the thousands of sexual acts that will occur during a lifetime of marriage. We may have five children but we have had sex a lot more than five times!
Right now I'm sat here cringing because my mum and my brother read this blog and I'm talking about sex. I've just admitted that we have sex for pleasure. Out loud. On the internet... Oh, the shame! And there it is. The shame. Why is it that I feel shame when talking about sex with my husband whom I have been married to for nearly 12 years? The world knows that we have sex. The five children are a bit of a giveaway. I have a theory about the shame. As Christians, we spend all of our pre-married life learning that sex is bad, it is not for us, it is shameful, we will not do it... and then we get married. With a flick of a switch, we are supposed to shake off years of linking sex with shame.
A few weeks ago I joined in with an online discussion amongst Christian women about 'how much sex do you have?' Aye, aye, I thought. We don't normally talk about sex, but, this woman had been brave and even explained her reasons for asking the question. I decided to honour her bravery by giving her an honest answer. We chatted a bit and she was very grateful. Other women were not so happy with me. It was like I had broken the unspoken rule that "we do not talk about sex". My response was frowned upon because it was honest. Only one other woman answered the question directly. Every other woman found a way to skirt around the subject and justify themselves. How sad, I thought, that we cannot even support someone by having an open discussion (on a closed forum) about sex. I was even more shocked by one person's response that I should feel. at best secretive, at worst ashamed of my answer.
We either believe the Bible or we don't, right? And if we are struggling with something then it can be a good idea to share that with a trusted friend or two, right? Except when it comes to sex. We seem so focused on teaching about the negative side of sex that we don't teach about the positives. I can't remember the last time that I heard any good teaching on sex outside of a national conference with a female Christian 'sexpert' speaking. And I don't think that I can ever remember having a conversation with another Christian woman about any positive to do with sex outside of general 'I'm pregnant' discussions. How do we expect our daughters to grow up with a healthy understanding of sex and their bodies if we only ever talk about the bio-mechanics and attach negatives to the act? How do we expect our daughters to come and talk to us if we give them the idea that sex is shameful and load guilt upon them before they've even had sex?
I know that in the next year or so I will be starting to talk about sex with our eldest daughter (I have no idea how I have survived parenting to already be at THAT stage). Whilst I will talk to her about eggs, sperm and implantation, I will also speak to her about desire, pleasure and intimacy. I have no idea how I'm going to do it yet (let's face it, I didn't exactly plan the chat about periods, boobs and body hair that came from nowhere one day) but with the grace of God, I will talk her through God's brilliant plan for sex in a way that she isn't threatened by it.
I also hope that The Church will wake up and realise that it is threatening generations of marriage because it doesn't teach about sex well, or if it does then it happens once in a blue moon. During the past five years, I have probably heard teaching about the book of Philemon more often than I've heard any Christian teaching about sex. And if the church won't support women in this Christian taboo subject, then women are going to have to work out how to talk to each other about sex. Honestly. Without judgement. If we can't even talk about sex then how can we ever have hope of dealing with even more complicated issues like mental wellbeing?
Here is a really good article entitled 'Why Christian Women Need to Talk About Sex'. If I haven't already persuaded you that this is an issue worth engaging with and conquering then this counsellor might just make you reconsider.
I hadn't realised quite how often sex was mentioned from the pulpit in our previous church till one day in a women's group where we were talking about it, my friend [who usually sat behind me in church] said "I have noticed that your ears go pink whenever sex is mentioned in one of your husband's sermons". Like you I believe it is essential that we talk with our daughters [and sons] about the subject - I would rather they learned it at home than in the playground. Kids these days learn too much, too soon, about the mechanics of the act, and not enough about love, fidelity, commitment and intimacy.
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