Five things not to say to a mother of a large family

I don't think it's possible for me to walk down the street with all five children without someone making a comment.  This is my little gift for mothers of large families who are on the receiving end of such thoughtless comments (and a little bit of fun because it's Saturday night and I'm home alone - sob!).

#1 You've got your hands full



Please don't say this to any mother.  Ever.  I have a rude retort that stays in my head when I hear this comment.  That's because I have a filter between my brain and my mouth.  You do not need to state the obvious.  I think that I'm allowed to laugh at you if I'm wearing the baby and therefore do not have anything in my hands at all.  But, more than anything else, this comment generally undermines my confidence as a mother.  If my children are playing up, I'm pretty busy dealing with them and do not need to divert my attention to you.  If they are behaving well then I'm wondering why you made the comment.  It's just one of those ridiculous things that people say because they have an overwhelming urge to express surprise at the size of our family.  The best advice I can give you here if you ever want to say this is - keep it in your head.  It is not helpful.  If you really must say something then you can always go for a cheesy 'what a lovely brood' or something else that acknowledges the size of the family without calling my parenting skills in to question.

#2 Are they all yours?



First of all, do you realise how rude it is to ask a stranger that question when you have no idea what the answer is going to be? What if I tell you that half of them are my late brother's children who I have taken in? OK, so he doesn't have any children and he's thankfully not dead, but you don't know what a strangers circumstances might be! For all you know, I could be infertile but looking after a friend's children.  That question could be really painful to have to answer.  Again, it's probably better that you keep that question in your head.  It really isn't any of your business and doesn't affect you.  And, yes, our family is larger than the 'normal' two children and that may be surprising for you, but it's still pretty rude to comment like that!

#3 I don't know how you do it



For the record this picture is definitely not 'how I do it'.  This one is a bit of pet hate of mine.  Just because I have five children, doesn't make me some sort of uber parent.  I really don't like people looking up to me because of the size of our family.  I also don't like the implied comparison that always goes along with this comment.  The chances are that some things in my parenting are not up to the same standard that they were when we only had two children.  There are only so many hours in the day (please don't think that I feel guilty though because the children have the benefits of being in a large family as well as the negatives).  I guess the other reason that I don't like this comment is because I never know how to respond.  I don't entirely know how I do it either but if you really want to know how I have to keep a regimented diary and corresponding calendar or how I use the slow cooker to cope with all the after school clubs then it is probably better to ask for specifics.

#4 Have you worked out what's causing it?



You really want to go there? Let me point out to you that you are basically asking about our sex life and/or our contraceptive choices.  I think the fact that we have five children proves that we have worked out exactly what is causing it, thank you very much.

#5 Are you having any more?



OK, so there's a few more than five children there.  Let's think this one through for a moment.  I wouldn't ask any of my mummy friends this question unless a) they are my best friend or b) we are having a conversation about having more children.  I certainly wouldn't ask a random person in the street.  Also, as a mother of five children, I like having a large family and I have a very strong hormonal urge every single month to have more babies.  That is just how I am.  At some point we all have to stop having more children.  For some people that is a relief, for others there is a grieving process to go through as a stage of life ends.  So, this question is not only rude it is insensitive too.  Plus we're back at the point that you are basically asking if we are using reliable contraception or not and asking that is just plain wrong.

What do I say?

Saying nothing is always an option.  Or how about saying something positive or encouraging? Even an encouraging smile can go a long way.  As a general rule of thumb, don't say something to a mother of a large family that would be rude to say to a mother of one or two children.  It is still rude to say it to someone who has lots of children. If all else fails and you have an overwhelming urge to state the obvious, you can always be very British and comment on the weather instead.